being ‘chill’ is just internalized misogyny in disguise
why emotional honesty is hotter than pretending not to care
there was a time when i thought the highest compliment i could get from someone i liked was “you’re so chill.”
like wow. what an honor. i’m officially not like the other girls. i’m low-maintenance. cool. effortless. i don’t get jealous, i don’t ask for too much, i don’t start fights, i don’t cry in public, and i definitely don’t send follow-up texts when someone leaves me on read.
except… i do.
and pretending not to was killing me slowly.
being “chill” wasn’t actually about who i was. it was about who i thought i had to be to be loved. and by loved, i mean tolerated. desired. not left.
i learned early on that boys liked girls who weren’t “dramatic.” girls who didn’t take things personally. girls who laughed things off and didn’t ask too many questions. so i trained myself to care quietly. to feel everything in silence and never show it unless i was sure it wouldn’t make me look clingy.
but here’s the truth: being chill, in the way it’s sold to women, isn’t a personality trait. it’s a survival tactic. it’s what happens when you’ve been taught that your real feelings are too much. when expressing your needs means you’re crazy. when asking for clarity makes you look insecure.
the “cool girl” myth, you know the one, she drinks beer, eats fries, never nags, loves video games, never starts deep conversations, and is always available but never attached is a fantasy. and not even a real one. it’s not made by women. it’s designed by the male gaze.
and the worst part? a lot of us internalized it. we became it. and then hated ourselves for not being able to keep it up.
i used to feel guilty after asking someone “what’s wrong?” i used to rehearse texts in my head 10 times to make sure i didn’t sound “too emotional.” i used to let people hurt me and then go journal about it instead of confronting them.
and all of it, every bit of that self-editing, was rooted in the idea that real women, real desirable women don’t make things difficult. they just deal with it.
but i’m done shrinking.
i’m done pretending i don’t care when i do.
i’m done calling detachment confidence.
i’m done calling silence peace.
being emotionally honest is not weak. asking for clarity is not needy. crying is not embarrassing. being direct is not aggressive. you know what’s actually hot? knowing yourself. setting boundaries. saying what you want out loud. giving a shit.
and i get it being chill feels safer. it feels like protection. it keeps you from getting hurt, rejected, called names. but it also keeps you from being known. and i’d rather be fully known than half-liked.
so no. i’m not chill.
i overthink. i get intense. i feel everything.
i love hard. i ask hard questions. i care deeply.
and if that makes me too much. fine.
✧ things to remember:
being “chill” is not a personality, it’s a coping mechanism
emotional honesty is a strength, not a weakness
you’re allowed to ask for what you need without apologizing for it
being direct doesn’t make you “too much” — it makes you clear
the “cool girl” isn’t real, and you don’t have to become her
self-abandonment isn’t love
pretending not to care doesn’t protect you — it just isolates you
you don’t have to earn love by being easy to handle
care loudly. want loudly. love loudly.
being fully seen > being half-liked